Dear Sandy,
There’s this boy in my econ class. He often tutors me and he recently started inviting me to his house to study. I have developed a huge crush on him over the course of the quarter.
I print out pictures of him on Facebook, cut out his face and put it on pictures of Robert Patterson’s body. These collages currently litter the wall of my room. The problem is, he wanted to come over to my place to study for finals. Should I let him come over?
-Shrine Builder
Dear SB,
Take down his face and you’ll just have a shrine to Robert Patterson. Totally normal.
-Sandy
Dear Sandy,
I’m a single girl right now and haven’t been in a relationship for a while. I’ve been enjoying the single life though. Generally, I like to flirt and have a good time when I go out. I’m just like any other single girl who likes to get attention when she gets dressed up in her heels.
But this often gets misinterpreted from guys as me only wanting to have fun. We exchange numbers, and meet up again, and I get really hopeful that something serious will happen this time. But it never does. Whenever I hang out with a guy, he thinks something physical will happen, and I want to change that.
Really, all I want is a serious relationship and for guys to think of me as something other than a sexual object. I’m sick of guys automatically assuming that I am not capable of being girlfriend material. How do I get guys to see me as a potential girlfriend and not as a sex buddy?
-Innocent Flirt
Dear IF,
You shouldn’t feel that you need to change your personality in order to find a relationship. If you’re naturally flirtatious, that’s perfectly fine. Just be aware of the messages that you’re sending.
Depending on how you’re flirting, you could be sending signals telling him that you’re not only interested, but that your aim is for that physical interaction. If you don’t want to send that message, avoid flirting physically by touching him as you speak, leaning on him or putting your arms around him.
If you’re “hanging out” with these guys by going to bars or parties, you can also work on your venue. Neither of these places conveys an “I’m serious about starting a relationship” message. In order to do that, you’re going to want to find a place where you can actually get to know the person and allow him to get to know you. You can go for informal by suggesting a study date on campus, asking him out to coffee or on an outing to the beach.
You want to be in a situation where you’re able to focus on talking and where the option for physical interaction is minimized. You should never feel pressured at the end of date, but if that’s becoming a trend for you just start by driving separately and meeting for coffee or lunch and schedule a start and end time for your dates.
-Sandy
Dear Sandy,
My boyfriend doesn’t drink. When we go to parties and stuff, he just kind of watches everything. I feel like he’s judging us even though he says he’s not. I don’t think it’s fair that I can’t have fun because he doesn’t know how to have fun. What’s the point of having a boyfriend if he isn’t any fun?
-Bored With My Boyfriend
Dear Bored,
It sounds like you and your boyfriend might not be seeing eye-to-eye here. If he’s really judging you, giving you a hard time or making it difficult for you to have fun, then you have every right to be upset. It’s also possible, though, that you’re being a bit insensitive to his needs.
Make a point to ask him what he wants to do before you head out for the evening and take his opinion into account. Let him know that you’re interested in spending time with your friends and if it comes down to it, you might need to just take a night off to go out on your own.
If he is acting inappropriately, spend some time talking to him about the way he’s acting and give him a chance to change. While the actual “point” of having a boyfriend is more about having a personal relationship with another person than having fun, you should never feel judged by your significant other.
If you wanting to spend time with your friends is not something that he can get past, then you may find yourself looking for another man.
-Sandy
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