UCI has an ant problem, and I have the solution.
As I write this piece at the Student Center Starbucks, I’ve had several ants crawl up my arms. Is this annoying? Yes. Does it break my focus? Yes. Does UCI have an ant problem? Most definitely. Not only do ants attack me at Starbucks, but Aldrich Park is also a minefield. No matter where I am on campus, I feel like an ant is watching me, just waiting to attack. What could possibly be the solution to this problem?
More anteaters. Literally.
UCI is the only school in the country with an anteater mascot. If we truly want to embrace our identity, we should have a few hundred anteaters roaming around the school. I can guarantee with absolute certainty that this would improve overall student happiness tenfold. Giant anteaters consume up to 30,000 ants a day. UCI would be dry with free extermination and emotional support animals for students. There is no way this could go wrong. This would make us the coolest university in the world and solve our ant problem.
Imagine chilling in Aldrich Park with an anteater after a long day of lectures. Just you and an anteater staring up at the clouds, reminiscing about the good times. Stressed about finals? An anteater is waiting. Got dumped? We’ve got an anteater ready for you. Need a study buddy? Anteaters love books. This may not actually be true, but nonetheless, Irvine needs more anteaters.
At this point, I’m sure you’re wondering which anteater species would be the most ideal fit for UCI. You’re in luck because I have the answer.
There are four species of anteaters: the giant anteater, the northern and southern tamandua, and the silky anteater.
1. The northern tamandua
The northern tamandua resides in Central America and the northwest region of South America. This anteater grows up to 4 feet long and weighs around 12 pounds. They are tree-dwellers, each with a rat-like tail. Their grippy tail is strong enough to give a formidable hug –– perfect for any student in need of support.
2. The southern tamandua
The southern tamandua is also known as the lesser anteater. Sad name, isn’t it? This anteater is native to South America and the Caribbean. They can grow to just over 4 feet long and weigh around 15 pounds when fully grown. The base of their tails have two glands that can give off a terrible scent four times stronger than a skunk to be exact, which may not be the best choice for campus. This smell has earned the southern tamandua the additional nickname of stinker of the forest.
While neither species of tamandua attacks humans, they both possess claws capable of formidable damage. If a tamandua T-poses, it may attack — so stay alert. The stink and the claws of the tamandua rule them out for me.
3. The silky anteater
Easily the coolest of the four anteaters. This species inhabits Central and South America, spending its time high up in trees. The silky anteater is tiny; the mightiest of them grow a little over 2 feet long and weigh less than a pound.
These little guys are adorable, but they spend all their time in trees. They couldn’t take care of the ant problem.
4. The giant anteater
The largest of the four, this titan primarily inhabits Brazil and Venezuela. They can grow up to 7 feet long and weigh as much as 110 pounds. They can also reach a top speed of 30 miles per hour. It should be noted that the giant anteater is not aggressive, but they have 4-inch claws that can fend off pumas and jaguars. My only advice is to be careful.
Sadly, the giant anteater is the most threatened mammal in Central America, according to the International Union for Conservation of Nature Red List. They are considered extinct in multiple countries across Central and South America. Because of this, my vote lies with the giant anteater. Not only would it be fun to run around Ring Road with one, but bringing them to UCI would also support conservation efforts.
This is a call to action to the student body of UCI: We must start the process of introducing giant anteaters to the ecosystem of Irvine. They are a necessity if we want to solve this pest problem and improve student life.
Sam Jenson is an Opinion Intern for the spring 2026 quarter. He can be reached at sjenson1@uci.edu.
Edited by Rebecca Do and Joshua Gonzales