In pop culture, the mother-in-law is often depicted in an unfavorable light — cold and domineering. In movies, television and even everyday jokes, the monster-in-law appears as a villain whose cruelty is seen as inevitable. Yet this trope reveals an uncomfortable reality of how the oppressed uphold and often enforce the patriarchal structures that have entrapped them.
In many cultures, such as Indian cultures, conflict between mother and daughters-in-laws is not simply the result of personality clashes or outdated traditions, but rather the product of intergenerational trauma shaped by the patriarchy. These relationships reflect a system that pits women against one another, while the root causes are dismissed as obligatory tradition.
At the heart of this dynamic lies the way in which family duty is passed down. In Chinese and Korean cultures, for instance, filial piety emphasizes a sons’ duty to his parents. For a woman, when filial piety is paired with the patriarchy, there is immense pressure on daughter-in-laws to serve both their husbands and mothers-in-law.
Women in many Asian societies are socialized from a young age to understand that their value comes from sacrifice — for parents, husbands, children and the family name. Marriage is rarely framed as an individual choice but as a merger of families and status in several cultures. Daughters-in-law who do not conform are met with chastisement, whether it comes from their mothers-in-law or their own husbands.
The mother-in-law’s role in the suppression of the daughter-in-law is a point where trauma gets passed down. A woman who was denied autonomy and emotional validation may later expect the same endurance from the next generation, not necessarily out of cruelty, but out of familiarity with customs.
A culturally sincere depiction of this phenomenon is through the relationship between Rachel Chu and Eleanor Young, portrayed by Constance Wu and Michelle Yeoh in the movie Crazy Rich Asians from 2018. Eleanor, Rachel’s future mother-in-law, is not portrayed as the antagonist simply for the sake of being cruel. Instead, her treatment of Rachel is shaped by cultural preservation, social hierarchies and sacrifice.
In the film, Eleanor claims that Rachel is not good enough of a match for her son, but her standards stem from a more vulnerable place. While Eleanor’s disapproval of Rachel is framed as a concern for family legacy, it actually comes from Rachel’s refusal to embody the self-sacrificing ideal of womanhood that Eleanor herself was forced to uphold.
Class plays a critical role in this tension as well. Since marriage in many Asian families represents social mobility and reputation, mothers-in-law may see their daughters-in-law as societal investments that reflect family success or failure. This pressure transforms the daughter-in-law’s body, career and choices into public property to be scrutinized.
The patriarchy is then not only upheld by men, but through older women who have been conditioned to maintain and enforce it onto younger women, as well. Mothers-in-law may police behavior and enforce gender roles not because they inherently desire power over younger women, but because power was never offered to them in any other form.
Labeling mothers-in-law as monsters erases the structural forces that shaped them while absolving patriarchy of any responsibility. This conflict is framed as interpersonal rather than systemic, reinforcing the myth that women are each other’s primary oppressors. In reality, these relationships are forged within a hierarchy that rewards obedience and punishes resistance, especially among women.
Ultimately, reframing the mother and daughter-in-law dynamic within the context of systemic entrapments is an important cultural context. Looking beyond stereotypes and confronting the uncomfortable truth that many familial conflicts are the result of unresolved trauma can cause proactive conversations instead of stagnant resentment. By acknowledging this, people can move closer to the possibility of healing across generations.
Deanza Andriansyah is an Opinion Staff Writer. She can be reached at dandrian@uci.edu.
Edited by Annabelle Aguirre
