You’re very fortunate to have stumbled upon this article. It means there’s still hope to save you from fake news before it’s too late.
Throughout my very long 19 years of life, I have been relentlessly pursuing the discovery of cold, hard facts as though it’s been my purpose here on Earth. Truth is the bedrock of earnest political reporting, and yet it has become something of an enigma in today’s age. Thus, my life’s work has been rediscovering what truth even means, and if it’s even possible anymore.
For years, I made it my mission to heroically bestow the most daring, the most fearless and the most cutting-edge news onto the public, with utmost conviction and an unwavering resolve. Achieving relentless veracity has been my North Star — even in the face of scathing criticism and merciless pushback from those who seek to silence me, like copy editors who can never seem to understand that my genius transcends the confines of word-count limits and so-called AP Style Guidelines.
It pains me to come to this realization, and it pains me even more to shatter the precious illusions that the American public clings to so desperately. But it is my responsibility as a sworn guardian of cold, hard facts.
Heed these words with immense caution: you cannot, under any circumstances, trust the news.
Every self-proclaimed reporter is a herald of nothing but sick, twisted lies. All of the pretentious, myth-peddling major news outlets like the Wall Street Journal and NPR News are selling you pure bias and poisoning your mind with conspiratorial rhetoric.
Truth Social, which is President Donald Trump’s tenacious rebuttal after being banned from Facebook and X and Instagram and Snapchat and Twitch and YouTube, is a much more reliable source for the real defenders of facts to consult. While perusing Truth Social, I learned that Jesus was actually present at President Trump’s bank fraud trial. It was a beautiful sight to see. User @dom_lucre, the “Breaker of Narratives”, shared this inspiring image of a highly accurate court sketch depicting the awe-inspiring scene, which was even reposted by President Trump himself. Although @dom_lucre was also banned from X for alleged reasons I will not be discussing, these reasons are probably fake anyway since Forbes covered them.
“But Casey!” I can hear the hecklers already. “You can check a news outlet’s credibility by looking for information on their reporting practices! You can learn about their sources of funding, and evaluate how they handle errors!” If the news will so brazenly lie to you about what’s really happening in this country, you can bet your boots they’ll also lie about where they get their money and how they get their facts. Cross-referencing and lateral reading to verify the validity of these claims won’t save you either. The web of lies that’s being spun by the media is larger than your lowly mind can even fathom. I don’t even need a source to tell you that.
Instead, I’ve discovered that podcasts offer highly credible and very trustworthy information, unlike the news. The people who make podcasts have sophisticated equipment. They often have skin fades, and they speak in an authoritative tone of voice. All of this evidence reasonably leads me to believe that they know exactly what they’re talking about.
“But Casey!” The snowflakes pipe up again. “How can you call all news reporting false if I’ve seen photo and video footage of reporters directly at the scene, discussing exactly what’s going on?” Do you really expect me to believe that these asinine news reporters always conveniently happen to be present when the most interesting moments in American politics are transpiring? As if they receive cordial invites when it’s all going down! With all of the money they accrue from spreading their infectious propaganda, it’s much more likely that they simply pay off actors — marionettes, if you will — to stage these supposed occurrences.
For the most factual, the most objective and the most unadulterated news, it’s important to diversify your sources. Instead of wasting your time on the fictitious comedy special that is the news, I would recommend heading over to Facebook or Instagram Reels to continue your noble quest for honesty. In fact, it was Instagram that taught me how Barack Obama manufactured the blatant lie that Russia interfered with the 2016 election.
CNN will tell you that this isn’t true; that former President Obama actually never said that. And the Senate Intelligence Committee’s bipartisan report will tell you that Russian officials were, in fact, coordinating with associates of President Trump during the course of his first campaign. But don’t make the mistake of believing these lies. Instead, listen to the ominous AI-generated man featured in this video clip. He clearly says, from behind his cloak and his mask, the things he discusses are not conspiracy theories — they are documented facts.
And speaking of facts — if you care about them, you should be especially wary of those whiny, conceited Opinion columnists. They expect a pat on the back and a Pulitzer Prize for continually regurgitating the most sloppy, overplayed and pitifully misleading takes about how we all need to come together to protect democracy, how America sucks now that due process is kind of deteriorating and how pronouns will somehow be the saving grace of this nation as it crumbles. All of this is under the guise of “encouraging discussions about the things that happen in our world,” and “offering new perspectives to aid in critical thinking and discernment.” Truly hilarious!
“But Casey!” Again with the hecklers. “You’re literally referencing your own articles as you’re making these disparaging claims!” Okay, you would be correct to say those are technically my articles, in the sense that they were written and published by me. However, what you need to understand is that they’re not truly mine, in the sense that they don’t reflect my real voice and my genuine sentiments. The media and its corrupted puppets have been using my name as a mouthpiece for their tall tales — just like they use me as a middleman for touting their fraudulent printed newspapers on Ring Road every so often. The exploitation ends today.
I say all of this not to discourage you but to remind you that misinformation is prolific and thrives off complacency. The people who purport themselves as trustworthy are not always the couriers of truth and integrity they claim to be. It’s important to be vigilant and to understand that you simply cannot trust everything you see and hear. Unless, of course, you heard it from Truth Social.
It’s been a pleasure, dear reader. If you know what’s good for you, I hope to never see you on a site like this one ever again.
Casey Mendoza is a 2025-2026 Assistant Opinion Editor. He can be reached at caseym4@uci.edu.
Edited by Isabella Ehring and Joshua Gonzales