Spooky Season has officially blessed our front doorsteps. It’s a time of excitement, when many scramble to put together last-minute costumes, choose from an assortment of treats (or tricks) and binge on discounted bulk candy. But most importantly, it’s horror movie season.
Horror movies are arguably a pillar of the Halloween experience, spanning decades with anything from spine-chilling thrillers to gory, gut-wrenching flicks and cheaply designed box-office monsters. With each new film comes a new forsaken cast of protagonists and victims, often succeeded by the thought, “I could’ve survived that.”
When watching horror movies, many of us consider our capabilities or limitations. We often debate just how scary a 6-foot-3 clown in a frilly costume bolting at you from a dark alley would truly be.
This year UCI must take the time to recognize the dream horror protagonist, the beloved Peter the Anteater. Towering at an impressive 6-foot-9, with a toned yet fuzzy six-pack, courageous, spirited and quick-witted, Peter the Anteater is possibly the best individual to face off against some of the greatest villains and monsters in horror history.
Here are five horror classics that our guy, Peter the Anteater, would survive — rated on a scale of 1, least likely, to 10, most likely.
Beware: spoilers ahead.
1) “Scream” (1996)
Wes Craven’s “Scream” follows a group of high school students trapped in a masked killer’s twisted game of predator and prey, though, in reality, the killer is among their friend group the entire time. So, where does Peter fit into this? Well, that’s easy! Peter loves friends — he’s a bro! But he’s an empathetic bro who can typically tell when one of his bros feels down or off their game. If we’re being honest, Peter probably would’ve guessed the killer much sooner, preventing more of his bros from falling victim to the infamous Ghostface. But what if Peter failed to warn his bros, and his bro — who’s actually Ghostface — turns on him? Well, obviously, Peter could run. However, Peter doesn’t run out on his bros and would probably end up being saved by his own dense muscles and fur while trying to get his bro to realize that killing his other bros wasn’t cool. If a buff giant anteater battling a teenage masked psycho doesn’t get someone’s attention to call the cops, then I don’t know what would.
Survival Rating: 8.5/10
2) “Child’s Play” (1988)
If you know the story of Chucky the Doll — a “My Buddy” doll that just so happens to house the spirit of ex-serial killer Charles Lee Ray — then you definitely know most of this entire franchise’s premise. And just like the title suggests, Peter would crush this movie villain with ease. To be reincarnated from a serial killer into the body of a literal plastic toy doll is already embarrassing enough. But, add being punted into the abyss by a 6-foot-9 giant anteater in a basketball jersey to the list and it takes the cake. And that’s exactly how this tale would end — as many times as possible.
Survival Rating: 10/10
3) “It” (2017)
Ever wonder what a shapeshifting alien that takes the form of a gigantic clown and terrorizes a small town in Maine by feeding on people’s fears would look like? Well, “It” will show you! From the looks of the movie, it may seem like all Peter would have to do is outrun or outlast some one-on-one combat with Pennywise, and while one cannot doubt Peter’s physical capabilities to survive this film, it might take a bit more than that. For starters, Pennywise likes to attack in dark areas, and unfortunately, Peter’s genetics aren’t entirely on his side, specifically his eyesight. Maybe if Derry, Maine, got a couple hundred more people, he could become nocturnal, but I’m pretty sure we would have to wait on evolution. (Source: Trust me, I’m a zoologist.) On top of that, Pennywise utilizes mental manipulation with hallucinations, and I don’t think even our strongest soldier, Peter, could do a whole lot against that. But let’s all just bank on some Peter plot armor.
Survival Rating: 4.5/10
4) “The Conjuring” (2013)
Speaking of mental fortitude, a farmhouse demonic entity summoned by the witch Bathsheba is also not giving us a lot of confidence for our guy Peter. However, one thing that can really wiggle your way out of a demonic possession is some common sense! If all Peter has to do is avoid dark rooms with crying baby sounds, upside-down crosses, or, better yet, stay away from the dark, shady farmhouse in the middle of nowhere that’s been abandoned for some odd years, then our dream protagonist remains in the running! Who needs an exorcism when you use your brain, am I right?
Survival Rating: 6.5/10
5) “Friday the 13th” (1980)
Even under the cover of night, the summer camp killer Jason Voorhees is no match for our king, Peter. We can admit resurrecting from the dead and rising nightly from a lake to wreak havoc on your childhood bullies is a bit iconic. And yeah, he may be another masked hash-slinging slasher, but there’s nothing particularly special about him that Peter couldn’t handle, right? We mentioned Peter’s eyesight — but anyone could smell the reincarnated human lake monster coming from a mile away. Plus, Peter would never bully! Bullying isn’t cool, bro!
Survival Rating: 10/10
Makyla McLeod is a Staff Writer for the fall 2024 quarter. She can be reached at msmcleod@uci.edu.
Edited by Ben De Guzman.