Editor’s Note: This article was not written by a real STEM major, but it easily could have been.
Greetings, ignorant readers (STEM majors excluded). There is a great problem in the University of California, Irvine community. Representing myself, a computer science and chemistry double major with a triple minor in space engineering, mathematics and biology, and my fellow esteemed STEM students, I am writing this notice to address one problem and one problem only.
Nobody appreciates us enouuuuuuuugh!
Like, does anyone know how hard my life is? I can’t even begin to describe how much better we are than any other field on campus because of how hardworking, diligent, smart and clinically depressed we are. All of you other non-STEM students need to appreciate us more because we are obviously superior to you!
First of all, can anyone even imagine what a normal day in my life looks like? Let me explain it to you in super
1) I wake up at 3 a.m. to start my day. I do my morning routine in approximately 0.0005 seconds to get to my 4 a.m. nuclear-bio-engineering-computer-programming-photosynthesis-science class.
2) I get out of my nuclear-bio-engineering-computer-programming-photosynthesis-science class at 9 a.m. and run to one of my lab classes, starting at 9:01 a.m. (I go to six different labs every week).
3) I get out of my lab, with my hands covered in rat poison, at 1:30 p.m..
4) I eat air to preserve gastronomical efficiency while running to my aerospace-satellite-engineering-computer-programming-AI-robotics class starting at 1:35 p.m. (for you humanities peasants, AI stands for artificial intelligence).
5) I get out of my aerospace-satellite-engineering-computer-programming-AI-robotics class at 5 p.m. and go to the Science Library so that I can work on a nuclear bomb for my oxygen-nitrate-organic-nuclear-engineering-chemistry class at 5:30 p.m..
6) I go to my oxygen-nitrate-organic-nuclear-engineering-chemistry class and leave halfway through to dash to my inorganic chemistry lab at 6 p.m. and then charge back to my oxygen-nitrate-organic-nuclear-engineering-chemistry class at 9 p.m..
7) I get out of that class at 10:30 p.m. and anime sprint to mathematics-geometry-impossible-theory-calculus-numbers-rectangle class that starts at 10:40 p.m..
8) I get out of my mathematics-geometry-impossible-theory-calculus-numbers-rectangle class at 1 a.m. and go back to my apartment that is 1,265 seconds away from campus.
9) I study for my classes and do my programming, robotics projects, poison research, romantic candle-lit date with Chat GPT, and homework to solve world hunger at home until 2:30 a.m..
10) I play League of Legends.
11) At 2:55 a.m., I go to bed, getting a full five minutes of sleep.
It’s clear that every day of my education is unfathomably busy, compared to most students’ days at UCI. Again, being a computer science and chemistry double major with a triple minor in space engineering, mathematics and biology is not easy, and everyone at UCI should know that and respect me for it. The same goes for my other STEM classmates who live very similar lives to mine. I have no idea what they look like and only talk to them about homework assignments. However, from their Discord profiles, I know that they are just as busy and hardworking as me.
Also, we only work this hard because the fate of the future depends on us and we willingly decide to take the weight of the world on our shoulders, unlike the other students who just read books and make silly paintings. While everyone else goes off to their jobless and pathetic lives after college, my STEM friends and I will be making doomsday weapons for the United States military, programming AI robots to take over civilization, making ChatGPT the president of the United Nations and more. We’ll immediately be employed to do the things no one else in the world wants to do, which is totally brave of us.
So what can be done to make us STEM students feel, like, more appreciated and more superior at UCI?
Well, the first thing that can be done is ban the acronym STEAM from ever being said, used or written on campus. It’s so offensive to think that the arts students are on the same level as us STEM students. Unless you are in digital design and make hot anime characters for Genshin Impact, you are not like us and you will never be like us.
Secondly, there should be a statue representing the STEM students right in the middle of Ring Road. We need to be honored, and I could look at it with pride in 0.02 seconds while I run to my third lab of the day.
Finally, give us more money. After this article is published, I will be making a GoFundMe for all the STEM programs here at UCI. All proceeds will go into materials for making killer robots, Teslas for research purposes, lab coats made out of carbon and top-quality gaming monitors and gaming chairs. If you want to appreciate us STEM students more and resolve this serious problem at UCI, please donate and give us your money.
In conclusion, STEM students are better than all of you. I am better than all of you. Please recognize that so that I feel good about my negative eight hours of sleep and constant state of exhaustion-induced psychosis.
Anonymous but, like, super important and smart writer
Skylar Paxton is an Opinion Staff Writer for the spring 2023 quarter. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.