Small talk has a bad reputation. People roll their eyes at it and see it as a dreaded necessity that they need to get out of the way before the real conversation begins. It has effectively become one of society’s most hated pastimes — up there with parallel parking and calling customer service. However, small talk doesn’t get the credit it deserves for beginning unexpected, gradual bonds between people. Apparently, people would rather introduce themselves by immediately bringing up their take on why the last election played out as it did or trauma dumping about whether or not their parents told them that they loved them enough growing up.
In a day and age where people are quick to overshare online and no longer take the time to gradually build meaningful relationships with the new people they meet, it is no wonder people often consider small talk fake and pointless. Some have more pseudo-intimacy with AI than they do the people around them — and have forgotten how to build relationships with real people.
It’s also no wonder students are paranoid about the job market and the future of their careers. Many members of Generation Z have grown co-dependent on their phones and are now unable to hold normal social interactions — let alone get through a job interview. Many have begun using AI as a job application tool and to answer questions during interviews. However, if you can’t keep a short small-talk conversation going during an interview, how do you expect to interact with your co-workers? Make friends at work? Or communicate with your boss?
Don’t get me wrong. I, too, once believed in the concept of jumping right into deep conversations with people I’d just met and skipping any form of small talk. On paper, it sounded ideal. Then, I met someone who I did just that with.
The first day I met her, we talked about a class assignment. The next class, she went straight into talking about her newest relationship. A week later, she invited me to her birthday. Though a sweet gesture, somewhere between her talking about her past dating history and how she was hoping to find someone who was the opposite of her dad, I realized something horrifying.
I didn’t know this girl. Not her favorite color. Not if she was a cat or dog person. Not even her last name — which, satire aside, feels like something you should know before someone reveals their entire life story to you. I felt that I had not gotten to know her on a deep enough level to even get her a personalized birthday gift. So, I did exactly what any reasonable person my age would do: I went straight to her Instagram. Based on her feed, I found her a gift, something that I felt encapsulated her online personality rather than what I actually knew about her.
And in a socially-anxious culture where people ruminate on the opinions of others yet overshare their private moments to strangers online for comfort, small talk is needed.
It doesn’t help that introverts, especially, dislike small talk. Our society is used to fast-paced online interactions that get to the important matters within seconds. The two-times speed videos and flashy headlines don’t help with peoples’ attention spans to stay interested in small talk.
Today, this pseudo-intimacy pressures people to have emotionally profound conversations, or apparently they don’t count. God forbid someone asks you about your weekend or dares to comment on the weather, but we need time to warm up to the people around us. The unpleasant truth is that you can’t rush the process, otherwise it will feel surface level.
Part of the reason why pseudo-intimacy feels so common today is that we meet more people than humans were ever meant to. We are exposed to hundreds of new faces every year — including classmates, co-workers, roommates, friends of friends, club members and Instagram mutuals. The sheer volume of these masses push us to adopt quick ways to figure out who’s “worth” connecting with, and small talk just seems too slow and too mundane to do so.
When you think about it, some of the most meaningful relationships you’ve had probably began with complaining about a teacher or having an inside joke over something stupid. You remember the deep conversations later, sure, but you only got to that point because you laid the groundwork for it over time.
So yes, small talk underrated. Yes, it can feel awkward or annoying or unnecessary. However, without it, everything else becomes strangely impersonal.
Deep talk is meaningful, but small talk is what makes it matter.
Julia Kremenetsky is an Opinion Staff Writer. She can be reached at jkremene@uci.edu.
Edited by Isabella Ehring and Mia Noergaard.
