Editor’s Note: This article was written by someone who does not have a car nor a driver’s license. The writer is also wanted for vehicular manslaughter in six states.
Editor’s Note to the Editor’s Note: The last part of that note was satire. The writer is wanted, but not in that way.
No matter what anyone else tells you, you must remember this: Irvine is not a walkable city.
Yes, I’m sure you’re astounded by this. Aghast, even. “But [Anonymous Opinion Writer],” you’d say, “I walk around campus everyday! UTC’s right there! There’s a bus system, I don’t need a car!”
Okay, non-commuter. Keep going. If you say it enough, you might actually believe it.
Once you join me in reality, though, you’ll need to learn how to drive. How else will you almost run people over on Ring Road? Or nearly scrape another car at intersections? Or nearly smash the back of your car while backing up through seven different spaces, to snag that one parking spot at the very end of the road, without alerting any other drivers by, say, honking or turning your blinkers on?
All average maneuvers everyone makes on the road, I’m sure. Definitely not a reflection of you or your driving skills.
And so I, with all my considerable knowledge (from taking a practice learner’s permit test twice and barely passing the second time) feel it is my duty to encourage — no, to implore you to choose Irvine as the city where you learn how to drive. In fact, I’m magnanimous enough to compile a list of reasons why you should, with perfect MLA citations included — as expected of this great pedestrian of Irvine.
1. No matter where you go on UCI, a challenge awaits.
Source: My grandma (had her license revoked)
Whether it’s the UTC parking lot, the Anteater Parking Structure (especially after 7 p.m.) or the bus line routes along the ACC apartments, you’re sure to find new and exciting challenges everywhere you look. And everywhere you don’t look, too! Checking your rearview mirror is overrated and probably just a suggestion anyways. The other drivers should know where you’re going at all times without you having to signal.
In fact, don’t even use your signal. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, just go for it! Signaling means you care what people think about you, and that’s not the “self-love” attitude you should be striving for! Who cares if it’s “not your right of way” or if you’re a “danger to society” — that’s the fear talking and you’re better than that.
2. The weird arrow things on the ground should be ignored.
Source: My friend (rides a scooter)
Left and right are constructs of man, my man. Of course the bus won’t notice if you take a sharp left in the right lane, it’s a pretty subtle maneuver. And I’ve only seen one person get arrested for it in the past week, so the odds are in your favor.
3. Buses are slower than you, so you always have right-of-way.
Source: My dad (arrested twice for road rage)
Everyone’s read The Hare and the Tortoise, right? The tortoise won because he cut off that motherf*cker! The moral of that story is obviously that the road is always yours, so take advantage of every inch not occupied by another vehicle, and maybe even a few inches that are.
There’s this neat trick you can do where you drive right through the bike lane and nearly hit the bus and any pedestrians in your way. You have to keep them on their toes somehow. Or off their toes if you do, in fact, hit anyone in the “bike” lane — but the first rule of the road is to never stop. Ever! If someone calls the police on you, that just proves you taught your lesson well, so congratulations!
4. Making eye contact with pedestrians is a challenge.
Source: Me (now wanted in six states for vehicular manslaughter)
If they feel safe enough to cross the street, they are actively living life wrong. Direct eye contact is a threat when you have at least 2,500 pounds of metal surrounding you — have we learned nothing from dogs?
I was once very kindly taught this lesson when I held up my hand to cross at a busy intersection and the driver and I made prolonged eye contact. I nodded and took two steps forward, naively believing in the power of a universal hand signal.
They nearly clipped my shoulder.
5. If someone merges in front of you, they are intentionally cutting you off. Always!
Source: My friend (fell off their scooter)
Who cares if they needed to merge and “had right-of-way”? Nothing matters but you and the two seconds you’ll lose by driving safely. That’ll work when you get pulled over, trust me.
In fact, here’s an easy fix: swerve threateningly behind them, especially if it’s a narrow lane, until they make a turn off the main road. You’ll look so cool and smart and you’ll definitely show up on @ucimissedconnections as the super hot guy who’s definitely not compensating for anything.
And there you have it! It’s indisputable, really. Just to help you out, I’ll be on my greatest behavior as a pedestrian. The headphones stay on when I cross the street with my eyes closed. Stoplights and staying on the sidewalk are both constructs of man, too. Jaywalking is legal now, which translates to “I get right-of-way all the time and can act like I have my own personal ‘stop anywhere’ blinkers.” It really does, it’s right there in the Constitution.
Don’t be mad when you almost run me over. I’m doing this for YOU. Suffering builds character! Have you really lived if you haven’t almost unnecessarily died at least once?
I’m sure I’ve swayed you now. Hope to see you at the DMV for my 27th attempt at a learner’s permit, esteemed reader!
Manelle Aruta is a 2022-2023 Copy Editor. She can be reached at maruta@uci.edu.
